About three years ago, I wrote a little something about pain. Those were my younger days when I had the luxury of time to write just about anything. I have all my writings saved in my old dilapidated laptop, which I have not been using for ages. Lately, we have been very busy about SEO at work and we started to have fun googling different keywords for our different websites. We then resorted to googling our names as well during breaks. Its fascinating what comes up when I type my name! It just makes me realize much more how vast the world wide web is.
I also ran into one of my writings posted on the internet by my online Irish (now Canadian?) buddy Chris Driscoll. Its entitled, “Where does it hurt?”. Its nice that I was able to dig into this again because last Sunday, I had the privilege to teach at Church about pain. It was particularly about worshiping God inspite of our pain or heart breaks. I am posting my old writing here again just so I can also read it over and over. I am copying it from Chris’ site along with the image he used with it, which I really appreciate and that he himself photographed.
WHERE DOES IT HURT?
Written by Fritzie Kaye C. Plamenco
Image © Christopher O Driscoll
I remember how when I was little, it seemed so easy to let go of pain. When I get hurt from playing I would run crying to my mom and she would just ask me, “Where does it hurt?” and wherever it does, she would just pat it gently, rub oil, kiss it, or put a little Band-Aid on it. Then everything will be alright. It was so easy to feel better and forget where it hurt and go back to the yard to play again. It was so uncomplicated.
But it seems that when you grow up and feel the bigger pains of life that hit you on a different target, you begin to look at pain differently, understand what it really is, and accept that it comes in all shapes and sizes. It also sometimes becomes a painstaking task to forget. It makes it harder to nurse the pain. And the roster of things that could hurt you broadens as well. Its no longer just falling from running around. It is not just getting a cut from your little scissors. It’s not just being knocked down by other kids in a ball game accidentally or not. Its a whole lot deeper. Its all about hanging on and eventually having to let go. The target is your heart.
When a friend you trust so much with your whole life betrays, misunderstands or leaves you just when you need him or her most, you feel that pain. Friendships mean a lot. The need to belong is one of the most needed needs known to man. We understand that we are not always going to be liked by everyone but when its your friend who turns his or her back on you, thats when it becomes a different story. And it hurts big time. You can overlook it all happened and forget your friend completely or fix it and be friends again. Either way, you have experienced how it was to feel the pain and knew you can move on and leave it all behind you.
When you think you’ve fallen in love with someone and everything falls apart, you feel that pain. You are crushed. Anybody who has loved and lost it knows how this feels. Love causes so much pain when you hang on to it and end up losing it. The love that used to shine on your days suddenly leaves it bleak and gifts you with a terrible nauseating feeling wrapped in a messy package with an intolerable-colour wrapper. You could choose to remain in your dark world for as long as you wish or be as weirdly idiosyncratic as you can be and express insurmountable resentment and anger to the world, which is unwise. Or better yet, you can move on and accept the sweet fact that love has its proper time. You could look at these events as opportunities to live a life of purposeful singleness, find a love more worthy of keeping, or wait patiently for that person you’re destined to be with for the rest of your life. Whichever way you choose to handle it, you have already known how that pain felt and found out it is not supposed to make you numb forever.
When somebody goes away, someone who means a lot to you, you feel that pain. I had an uncle who made life good for everyone. He passed away without proper goodbye. It was so painful that nobody wanted to be consoled. Death is such a cheat. What was more intolerable to think about was that he had to endure all the pain of the horrible heart attack alone. There was no one with him. Just thinking about that hurt so much too.
Where does it hurt in times like these? It hurts in some place you cannot put a bandage on. Some place you cannot just pat gently, rub oil on or kiss to take the pain away and it can be inexplicably more excruciating. I didn’t even know where in my heart it hurt exactly but it did so badly. All I know was that there was so much pain and I wondered how long it would last. I thought that maybe it would last until I cease remembering all the memories my uncle and I had together, which means never. I didn’t even get to tell him how I felt. I wrote a poem about it and it somehow made me feel better. I guess that was how I chose to handle it while at the same time talking to God about how bizarre pain can be among other things that went through my head. The last lines of the poem were:
I love him but he never learned,
My words never came on time;
But hopefully with all we shared
He knew by heart the lines.
We can never exactly answer the question “How long does the pain last?” until we have gone over with all the pain. When can you go back to the yard to play again? Time does heal wounds but it also depends on how you take the pain. It all depends on you. You have already felt how much it hurts. You feel this kind of pain because you have a heart that feels love and knows how to care. You can always choose to run to mom or anybody for a bandage or a kiss or a little gentle pat but in times when these are not accessible, you have a God who never leaves you nor forsake you and He makes all things work together for the good of those who love Him.
Remember how the pain changed you and made you grow stronger. Remember all its shapes and sizes and the times it came when you were least prepared and be wiser through it all. And most of all bear in mind that when another one is likely to come your way, there is no pain that you cannot endure–especially that you have a big, big God who loves you more than you can ever imagine.
(11.05.2004)
The date here is the actual date when I wrote this. You can find this posted at Botsie’s site.
It’s really amazing how God puts things together for the good of those who love Him. The truth is, I am in deep pain right now, but I don’t think the world has to know why. The important thing is that I know I will be alright.
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